A World of Cliché
A few responses to low-brow ‘hallmark card’ wisdom.
All you need is love…
…unless you’re hungry, then you need food. And when you’re thirsty, water works wonders. And when you’re being audited by the IRS, a good tax lawyer works quite well. And if you’re bleeding from a bullet wound, a hospital fits the bill. What’s that, you say…? Your car won’t start…? I’d call a mechanic. You’re sad and torn apart because your favorite celebrity couple just broke up…? I’d say you need a life, preferably one that sees you going to the library and reading a few books every week instead of the rags in the checkout lane at the grocer.
It’s better to have something and not need it, than to need it and not have it…
…which sounds like a perfect argument in favor of not polluting the planet with all manner of consumer waste. I get it though. You don’t want me raining on your parade by saying that stripper glitter is toxic for the environment and that fracking contaminates ground water and that crypto-mining and video gaming use up too much fossil fuel energy. I’m boring, I know…
If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best…
…unless your ‘worst’ borders on abusive, in which case your ‘best’ isn’t worth the trouble and emotional strain it would take to endure you at your ugliest. No woman is worth that kind of torture.
All that glitters is gold…
…unless we’re talking actual glitter contaminating the food supply chain, in which case, some things that ‘glitter’ are hazardous for our health. Fools gold glitters as well, but good luck trying to exchange it for anything of value. Manufactured diamonds glitter in the right light as well but ask any vapid, materialistic, would-be bride what they’d rather have in their finger and they’ll say the genuine article most every time. Diamonds are a girls best friend, but only because they’ve been artificially inflated in value over the years by greedy capitalists.
God helps those who help themselves…
…which seems bizarrely appropriate given all the right-wing Christian money infesting politics these days. Of course, hardly anyone who is uber-rich came by their wealth without employing some scheme that took vital ‘bread’ out of the mouths of some poor children somewhere in the world, given how wealth inequality has risen steadily in these last few decades. Of course, there is no god (no one can demonstrate otherwise) so helping yourself is really just that…no god needed.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away…
…unless you’re a diabetic and can’t consume sugar. Most of an apple is sugar, in case you didn’t know. The most nutrient value is in the peel. And, of course, there are plenty of people for whom healthy living will never eliminate the need for a doctor. Kids with bone cancer can eat all the apples they like, it won’t eliminate the need for medical care.
Live like there’s no tomorrow…
…unless there actually will be a tomorrow (and it’s a safe bet there will be, all things being equal) because if there isn’t going to be a tomorrow, there’s no point in going to work today…or washing the car…or mowing the lawn…or brushing your teeth…or changing the baby’s diaper…or taking a shower…or paying the electrical bill…or cleaning the stove…or replacing the furnace filter…or changing the oil in the car…or wearing a tampon when in a ‘flow’ state…
Dance as if no one is watching…
…unless you’re really bad at it, then expect it to be plastered all over the interwebs, opening you up to a world of avoidable humiliation. Many people are cruel when it comes to othering and if they can take the opportunity to make fun of someone they see as ‘lesser than’ it’s a fair bet they’ll exploit the opportunity. Welcome to Voyeur-merica, kids.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend…
…unless that enemy is Hitler, or someone very much like him. To say that an evil person is a potential friend completely obscures the fact that evil people are no one’s friend and only exist to exploit and be exploited, should they allow themselves to be used in such a manner. Unless you’re an evil person as well, in which case, feel free to make friends with your proverbial Hitler, and when it’s all said and done, you and your bestie can do like Hitler and put bullets in your evil brains...and DIE! FUN!
It’s better to burn out than to fade away…
…unless you’re an Indian woman in ages past who was forced to throw herself on the funeral pyre of her husband simply because manufactured superstitions dictated it. That said, most people born to the species fade away without history remembering them one single iota. And if burning out really is better, why do we have to remember scumbags like Sid Vicious? Why can’t your average aid worker be more remembered in the annals of history when their light gets extinguished unnaturally? I guess helping people isn’t as interesting as exploiting them…
Blood is thicker than water…
…but water is the basis for blood so if you have a contaminated water supply, or too little water to begin with, blood will be affected for the worst. I’m speaking of course, of toxic family environments, where parents harm their kids with impunity, not really caring about family values unless the kids decide they’ve had enough and fight back...in which case the parents get even more abusive. Some families aren’t worth the trouble, sufficed to say. But let’s keep pandering to the idea of ‘respecting your elders…’
Home is where the heart is…
…unless that home is an abusive and/or neglectful one…in which case, home is where the heart is ripped out. And even if an abused child manages to break away and make a life elsewhere, that damage affects their heart is many ways, not the least of which is genetic, so their home can never have a fully whole ‘heart’ no matter where they end up, no matter how much love they try to fill it with in their deliberations to be more than they were raised to be. Time can’t heal some wounds.
I’m dreaming a white Christmas…
…because it’s the year 2094 and snow hasn’t fallen in my neck of woods here in Northern Minnesota for decades, thanks to climate change. Makes me wish I’d done a better job of watching my plastics consumption or limiting my use of internet streaming. I could have had the same enjoyment, or maybe even more fun, reading books at the library (remember those)…but NOOO…I had to watch endless episodes of the Real House Shrews of Bitchfield Lane…
Seize the day…
…unless you happen to be a serial killer or a rapist. We don’t want you trying to be your authentic self in our midst. In some cases, ambition shouldn’t be encouraged, sufficed to say. Also, if you were involved in the treason of January 6th, we’d prefer it if you never take the initiative again. Enjoy prison, traitors. Please drop the soap.
Just Do It…
…unless doing it will lead to harm. Spraying glitter everywhere leaves micro-plastics in the environment, throwing garbage on the ground makes your neighborhood look like shit, spouting racist garbage at minorities belies your lack of humanity, sabotaging your co-workers out of jealousy demonstrates your pettiness, caring only about yourself illustrates your lack of worth. Also, sexually assaulting a woman simply because you feel an urge is a crime, in case you didn’t know. Sometimes it really does pay to think before you act. Again, I’m boring, I know, but I can’t help it. I despise selfish people and their lack of consideration.
We’re soulmates…
…which is doubtful because souls aren’t real. Better to take up jogging with a friend if you really want a sole-mate. See what I did there…? What…? It’s not funny or clever…? Let’s see you do better…
You complete me…
…because I was so obviously incomplete and inadequate before you came along…which makes me wonder why you took an interest in me in the first place, if I wasn’t a full package…a less-attractive investment.
Love conquers all…
…unless we’re taking foreign invasion. No amount of love on the part of Ukraine will temper the desire for Putin to grab all the land he can…merely because he’s trapped in the past where military conquest was de rigueur. And let’s not forget the film ‘The Mission’ from 1986. Jeremy Irons’ character carried with him the love of his god for the people he served, yet he was mowed down by gun fire. And Robert DeNiro’s character had so much love for the people he served that he was willing to renounce his holy vows and return to violence to defend those people. He died too. Wisdom is more important than love.
Be yourself…
…unless you happen to be a greedy capitalist who gets his rocks off accumulating more wealth than he can ever hope to spend…or if you’re a selfish bitch who gets off on destroying the lives of men merely because you can…or of you’re a pathetic internet troll who delights in humiliating people online merely because you were humiliated in the real world…or if you’re so egotistic you blare your annoying music from your unnecessarily loud car speakers just to make a statement…or if you’re a liar who decides politics might be a good career move…or if you’re a talent-less hack who decides screaming about nothing on Faux News every night is worth a shot…or if you’re a mutated pumpkin with limp straw for hair, lacking any sort of moral or ethical core, who used to inhabit the White House because our modern electoral system does anything but ensure that the best, brightest, wisest and most capable leaders assume high office.
It’s in the cards…
…because human existence is so obviously predictable that a deck of tarot cards can tell the future. Possibility and probability are all that the future holds and no amount of superstition will change that degree of uncertainty.
Don’t hate the player, hate the game…
…but really, the game is dependent on players existing, because without them the game doesn’t get played. Thus, anyone who plays the game is a willing collaborator so long as the inequities of the game persist. Slap that, Big Willy.
A picture is worth a thousand words…
…unless it isn’t. Pictures of vapid beauty influencers aren’t worth mentioning, let alone worth the cost of the fossil fuel energy it takes to bring them up on a computer. Then again, some pictures are worth much more than a thousand words, considering the volumes written over the years about Titian’s Bacchus and Ariadne, among others.
Be kind, for everyone is suffering in some way…
…but really, if everyone if suffering in some way, why isn’t more time and attention being paid to alleviating suffering across the board? Why does the U.S. defense budget continue to rise year after year when it’s a proven fact that allocating more money to welfare increases the well-being of society across the board…?
Don’t worry, be happy…
…because it’s obviously not a serious issue if you’re hungry and your pantry is bare…or that you’re girlfriend is cheating on you behind your back…or that regressive minded politicians are working hard to take away your right to choose what to do with your own body…or that right-wing religious twits are working hard to defund public education so that tax dollars can be allocated to private religious schools…or that loosening gun regulations means that a lot of ignorant twits are going to get the chance to cause a whole lot of pain…or that liberalizing marijuana laws will mean that a lot of ignorant twits with free access to guns will get the opportunity to get high and then cause a lot of harm if they get the notion that action needs to be taken to preserve their liberty…
There’s an exception to every rule…
…because everything is clearly negotiable. Never mind that certain moral and ethical absolutes to proscribe some behaviors are necessary to prevent society from going too far down a dangerous rabbit hole of inequity and harm…like murder…and rape…and arson…and fraud…and elder abuse…and sex trafficking…and slavery…and terrorism…
Opposites attract…
…except when oil and water refuse to mix when put together. Some opposites are so extreme, the pairing will never work no matter how hard we try. Let’s face it, a conservative, far-right gun nut will never be able to live well with a progressive liberal who supports increased gun regulation.
Laughter is the best medicine…
…unless you have a yeast infection or AIDS or breast cancer or Lyme’s disease or shingles or a sunburn or gangrene or leukemia or sickle cell anemia or treatment resistant depression or a swollen prostate or a broken femur or failing kidneys or emphysema or bone spurs or…or…or…
What goes around comes around…
…unless it doesn’t. Let’s face it, rich people today who cheat the system aren’t being held to the same standards of law which existed in the days of the Savings and Loan scandal. Instant Karma isn’t going to get some people because they have the resources to shield themselves from accountability, or even severe consequence when accountability is attempted.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade…
…but don’t forget to add sugar, because lemons are still bitter no matter how much you juice and dilute them. The sugar is the solution to the problem, not the lemonade itself.
A bad day fishing is better than a good day working…
…except when it isn’t. A bad day fishing means no catch, which means nothing to eat. A good day working means a pay-check, which means a trip to the grocer, which means food in the pantry, which means a full belly, which means a less stressful life.
Adieu Mes Amies
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