Jamming in Justifiable Joy with a Jot of Jocular Jestery
A few jokes from days past to lighten the mood [NSFW]
I could use a little laugh right now, and I know a few people here and there could use a good laugh as well, so I’ve decided to regurgitate a few jokes I’ve come across these last few decades. Some are a bit bawdy/naughty, so cover your input receptacles if you’re overly sensitive to politically incorrect ribald and/or blasphemous humor.
Super Bad!
Superman was flying around one day, bored stiff from the tedium. As he was flying over the beach somewhere over Greece, he spied Wonder Woman lying on the sand, her legs spread wide in the sun.
He thought to himself. “I’m the fastest man alive. I can fly down, get my rocks off and be away before anyone is the wiser.”
So he flew down, did his business right quick and flew off. <WHOOSH>
Wonder Woman looked up in a start. “What the hell was that?”
The Invisible Man stopped his thrusting and replied. “I can’t say, but my ass sure does hurt.”
Paris, mon debile
There once was a poor bro named Chad, who had a rich girlfriend who was sad and decided he needed a little culture. So she sent him to Paris one year for summer break to experience something new, in the hope that he would return home a little more refined.
One day he was out wandering around after an aborted tour of the galleries and museums, and at dusk happened upon a little cafe a few blocks from his rental flat. The waiter brought him a menu and asked if he’d like anything special.
“Nothing specific, I would just like to try something new and interesting.”
“Ah, Oui. An adventurous soul…allow me to tantalize you, Monsieur.”
At this the waiter clapped loudly, bringing the cafe crowd to a hushed silence.
“Bring out ze Peach Pu-say at once!” He shouted to the kitchen staff.
At this a gorgeous brunette with long legs, flowing silky hair and a gleam in her eyes emerged with a single peach on a silver platter balanced on one hand and a pair of tongs in the other. She stopped at the table, handed the platter and tongs to the waiter and sat down opposite our intrepid Chad. She spread her legs, revealing her vagina, unencumbered by any unmentionables, and planted one leg on the table, eyeing Chad with a lazy, lustful smile.
At this, the waiter took the peach, pealed some of the skin away and took it in the tongs, rubbing the exposed portion liberally all over her moist nether region. After about twenty seconds, he placed the peach back on the platter, set the platter down on the table and stood waiting for our Chad to react. His eyes wide with amazement, Chad looked at the waiter, then at the peach, then at the girl, then back at the peach, then at the cafe crowd waiting in anticipation for him to act. He then grew a wide grin across his face, grabbed the peach and took a huge bite. As he chewed away in bliss at this new remarkable experience, juices sliding down his chin, everyone around gasped and sighed in disappointment. The waiter himself yelled in deep exasperation and gestured frantically.
“NON! NON! NON! American Imbecile! You don’t eat ze peach, YOU EAT ZE PU-SAY! Merde Alors!”
Question: Know the difference between a circus and a sorority?
Answer: The circus is a cunning array of stunts.
There once was a man, dejected from the downturn in his life. He decided one night to visit his favorite bar and indulge in a bit of his favored spirits.
“Bartender, a glass of your finest 40 year old Scotch, if you please.”
The bartender looked at him and decided he wasn’t going to waste opening a good bottle of Scotch on this joker, so he poured a glass of some cheap stuff and handed it over.
“Good fellow, I specifically asked for 40 year old Scotch. This is only ten years aged. I insist you give me what I asked for.”
The bartender looked at him and frowned. He really didn’t want to waste opening a good bottle of Scotch on this joker, so he poured a glass of some slightly less cheap stuff and handed it over.
“Good fellow, I specifically asked for 40 year old Scotch. This is only twenty years aged. I insist you give me what I asked for.”
The bartender looked at him again and started to worry a bit. He really wasn’t keen on opening a good bottle of Scotch on this joker, so he poured a glass of some slightly better stuff and handed it over.
“Good fellow, I specifically asked for 40 year old Scotch. This is only thirty years aged. I insist you give me what I asked for.”
The bartender sighed, gave in and went down to the cellar to grab the oldest bottle he had in stock. He poured a glass and handed it over.
“Good fellow, this is indeed 40 year old Scotch.”
At this, a curmudgeonly old man from down the bar walked up and handed the guy a glass.
“Here, try this ya stuck up bastard.”
The Scotch man took a sip and gagged in revolt.
“This tastes like piss.” He objected.
The old man replied. “Yeah, now how old am I?”
Question: What did the homework say to the prom queen after school?
Answer: Do me, Baby!
Don’t Drink If You Can’t Take The Shame…
One day, our Chad, fresh from his first day at work, went to a pub and decided to have a few before heading home to please the wife.
As he sat at the bar, this older fellow came up to him and shouted.
“You outta know I fucked your mother last week!”
Chad just sat there and calmly drank his beer. The old man went into the other room. After about ten minutes, he came back and shouted again at Chad.
“You outta know I took your mother’s virginity fresh out of high school!”
Chad just sat there and calmly drank his beer. The other patrons were starting to stare, but Chad wasn’t faze in the slightest.
After about five more minutes, he came back and shouted again at Chad.
“You outta know that your mother is the best piece of ass this side of the Rockies!”
People were starting to get worried, but Chad calmly took a swig of his beer and then turned to the old guy.
“You’re drunk, Dad. Call a cab and go home.”
Pearly Humor
Two nuns and a Mother Superior died on the same day and went before the pearly gates. Before they could gain entry to heaven, Saint Peter told them they would each have to answer a question. He took the first nun aside and said,
“Sister, have no fear. …This is an easy question. Give the name of the first woman?”
“Eve, Saint Peter”, she replied.
“Very good, you may enter,” he said. He took the second nun aside and said to her,
“Sister, have no fear. This question is just as easy. Where did the first woman reside?”
“Eden, Saint Peter”, she replied.
“Very good, you may enter,” he said. He then took the Mother Superior aside and said to her,
“Mother Superior, you must have a question that is slightly tougher. What did eve say when she first saw Adam?”
“That’s a hard one, Saint Peter”, she replied.
“Very good, you may enter.”
Jesus is Watching You…
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.” <whistle>
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.” <whistle>
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you. Jesus is watching you.” <whistle>
The burglar relaxed. “Oh really…? And I suppose you’re Jesus, right?”
“No, dickface. I’m Moses,” replied the bird. <whistle>
“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of asshole names a bird Moses?”
“The kind of asshole who names a Rottweiler, Jesus.” <whistle>
An Advertising Pitch
The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, “We need a new TV spot for our S&K Nails line.”
A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO’s office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, “S&K nails: they get the job done.”
The CEO is irritated and says, “That is completely unacceptable! We are NOT using that! Try again!”
A week passes, and the ad man returns with another tape. The new tape shows Jesus hanging on the cross in the background, and in the foreground a centurion turns to the camera and says, “S&K nails: they hold anything!”
The CEO is furious and yells, “JESUS IS NOT GETTING NAILED TO THE CROSS WITH S&K NAILS, PERIOD! DO…IT…AGAIN!”
Another week goes by, and the ad man comes back with a third tape. This time Jesus sprints down the street with a group of centurions in pursuit. As he passes the camera one of the centurions turns and says, “We should have used S&K nails!”
Irony Is Next To Godly
One day, Jesus is standing on the Mount of Olives, talking to the assembled masses, trying to make a moral point about purity.
“Let he who is without sin cast the first st-”
THWONK! A small-ish rock lands not two feet from where Jesus is speaking. The people in the front look on confused. Visibly annoyed, Jesus tries again.
“Let he who is without sin cast the first st-”
THWONK! A slightly bigger rock lands one foot from where Jesus is speaking. The people in the front look on even more confused. Gritting his teeth, Jesus tries again.
“Let he who is without sin cast the first st-”
THWONK! An even bigger rock lands right near Jesus’ foot and bruises his big toe. The people in the front look on even more confused as he jumps around yelling and cursing. He then falls to his knees and shouts to the sky.
“DAMN IT, DAD! I’m trying to make a fucking point here…!”
Sad, Sad Chad…
Day 1 — Ten years later, our intrepid Chad was married and toiling away at a meaningless career forced upon him by his wife. In order to find some affection in his life he decided to buy a pet. As he strolled through the neighborhood pet store, he came upon a row of birds. One was a beautiful red Macaw. Another was a silky African Grey…a couple of nice Cockatiels and so forth. At the back he spied a rather sad looking Amazon parrot on sale for only $50, when the rest were priced well above that.
“Can I ‘elp, sir” he heard from behind him. He turned to find the shopkeeper, an old English expat, walking up.
“Yes, I was considering a pet to take care of.”
“We’ve plenty of that ‘ere, boy-o. Can’t go wrong with a nice bird. Sing and talk some do.” The shopkeeper was a jolly sort, he observed.
“Indeed. You seem to have a fine selection here. Can I ask why that one in the back is so cheap. Is there something wrong with him.”
“Jojo? Right sorry mess, he is.” The shopkeeper replied. “Got no legs on ‘im, that one.”
Chad thought for a moment and then asked. “How the hell does he stay on his perch like that if he’s got no legs?”
The shopkeeper leaned in and whispered. “He takes his ol’ fella, pulls it out and wraps it ‘round to stay even and balanced, guv. That’s ‘ow.”
Chad was amazed and intrigued, so he bought Jojo, no questions asked, and took him home.
Day 2 — Chad came home from work and went up to see Jojo in his living room cage.
“Hello Jojo. How’s it been?”
“Jojo saw a man kissing the wife.” <whistle>
“Really, when?” Chad inquired.
“This morning. He came in, they kissed, they went in the kitchen.” <whistle>
“Then what.”
“Jojo don’t know, bro.” <whistle>
At this, Chad moved Jojo into the kitchen.
Day 3 —Chad came home from work and went up to see Jojo in his cage.
“Hello Jojo. How’s it been?”
“Jojo saw a man kissing the wife.” <whistle>
“Really, when?” Chad inquired.
“This morning. Heard him come in, heard them kiss, they came in the kitchen.” <whistle>
“Then what.”
“He rubbed her ass and they went into the bedroom.” <whistle>
“Yeah…? Then what?”
“Jojo don’t know, bro.” <whistle>
At this, Chad moved Jojo into the bedroom.
Day 4 — Chad came home from work and went up to see Jojo in his cage.
“Hello Jojo. How’s it been?”
“Jojo saw a man kissing the wife.” <whistle>
“Really, when?” Chad inquired.
“This morning. Heard him come in, heard them kiss, heard them come in the kitchen, they came in the bedroom.” <whistle>
“Then what.”
“He rubbed her ass, she took off all her clothes, laid down on the bed and spread her legs.” <whistle>
“Yeah…? Then what?”
“Jojo popped a boner, bro. Fell down and blacked out.” <whistle>
Apologies for any burning ears that may have resulted from this.
So how about it? Anyone else got any inappropriate jokes from a less correct era that are worth a laugh or two?
Edward Robson, PhD, MFA, Lisa Beth Wright, Will Hull, Carlyn Beccia, Stephanie Leguichard, Anastasia Frugaard, Wei Xiang, K. M. Lang, A. Joshua W., Honorata Onanisma
