Stories…Yes…but No Room at the Inn…

For the family mired in perpetual dysfunction…

Unperson Pending
4 min readDec 25, 2021


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Now that I’ve made every effort to ruin this most ‘sacred’ of consumer holidays with my ‘undesirable pessimism’, I’ll try to lighten the spirits a bit with some charming tales I’ve heard about my family history.

A lot of people place significant emphasis on notions of familial fidelity during these time, but I don’t. My gene-pool is an indifferently dysfunctional one and my life has been a hell of a lot more tolerable since I made the effort to distance myself from it. My ancestry, on the other hand, is worthy of interest.

Based on my known and demonstrable lines of descent, I can trace my ancestry back to both Sweden and the North of England, specifically Manchester Areas. So it’s good to know that I’m genetically somewhere between liberated and repressed. It fits really, because I’ve always had this sense of being at war with myself on a deeper level…

I can also, claim a bit of Civil War history considering that I have a maternal ancestor who can be confirmed to have fought in what I’m told is a somewhat significant battle in the Southern Missouri area. Also a fun fact, I can trace my line back to a ‘Captain Jack’ who was part of the British Navy at one point…

There are, of course, many unconfirmed reports of my being related to Wild Bill Hickok, Buffalo Bill Cody, the outlaw Frank James…even someone named Whipple who signed the Declaration of Independence, but none of it is proven.

Based on my sources, however, I CAN claim relation to a famous President, as per genealogy records found on the web relating to my direct Patrilineal line, which also makes me related to a famous inventor, a famous aviator and three notable actors (one of whom happened to grow up on the opposite side of the town which I grew up in).

Based on the migration patterns of my paternal line through the rust belt, there’s also the possibility that I’m related to some famous people from the Northwestern Ohio region, but there is, as yet, no evidence for this. Not huge feathers in the cap, as it were, but it’s all pretty interesting in that ‘circle of life’ kind of way people are so fascinated with these days.



Unperson Pending

There is no god. No one can demonstrate otherwise.